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Post by suicideXmakeover on Jul 8, 2005 23:33:00 GMT -5
I love your story.
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Post by whatsername on Jul 10, 2005 23:02:03 GMT -5
Part Eight
I rested my chin in my hand and stared out the window. It was one of the best ways to say, 'I don't wanna talk about it'. Tre obviously didn't take the hint cause he would keep starting a sentence and then cut himself off, as if unsure of what he was trying to say. After about the tenth time I groaned loudly and turned to roll my eyes at him. He laughed.
"Sorry, I'll shut up... ... ... ... Actually, I won't. You know, it's much better to talk about stuff like this," he said, all knowing. I rolled my eyes again.
"That's what they all say, but they don't actually know. Sometimes, it's better to keep it to yourself and think it over. It's better for you to understand your own problems first, before trying to share them with others," I said simply.
"Oooookay. But I'm really nosy and I have to know everyone's business-"
"I have established that," I said, cutting him off.
"Soooo... ... you're gonna tell me?" Tre asked hopefully.
"No. It's much too complicated for your little brain to handle," I said. We were turning into Billie's neighborhood now. I wanted to get in the house, away from any questions, and just go take a shower or a relaxing bath. Anything to get my mind off of Him.
"Hey, I'm not that stupid," Tre said, grinning.
"Prove it," I said, unsmiling.
"Well, as far as I can tell... ...these problems of yours probably deal with your parents. Most likely your father, by the sounds of it. And considering you haven't called your parents since you arrived at Billie's, and all of your belongings are at your FRIENDS house, I'd say you don't like them very much," Tre said, sounding proud of his analysis.
"There's the understatement of the century," I murmured. Tre sighed.
"Well, atleast we're getting somewhere," he said.
"What are you, some kind of shrink? And we're not getting ANYWHERE, because I never said anything concerning either of my parents," I said heatedly. We were finally pulling into the driveway, and as soon as we were standing still I got out of the car and walked to the front door. Tre followed close behind, still trying to talk to me.
"Jeez, I didn't know you were so sensitive about it," he said as we walked towards the kitchen. I rounded on him. And I cracked.
"I'm not sensitive about anything! And my parents, they've become a topic that I've learned to be everything BUT sensitive about! You have to put up a shield between you and the rest of the fucking world, just so you know it won't kill you overnight and decide you're not worthy of living anymore! So far, I've had enough of taking the blame and carrying the weight of everyone elses mistakes in my life! I can't live anymore, knowing that in the morning I have to face another day knowing that I have nowhere to go, no direction in life! Just aimlessly wandering forward without knowing where I'm going, except, wherever it is, it can't possible be worse than what you're leaving behind! But, guess what?! There are more shitty problems that other people will throw at you for no reason whatsoever, except with the excuse of, 'Oh, if I can't handle it, maybe she will'! So don't tell me I'm sensitive about anything, because as soon as you let your guard down, and show any emotion, BAM! It's like a slap in the face, a snap back to reality! A reality, of what will never BE!" I yelled at him. He was standing there, looking a little scared. I was seething, and I had to let my steam off on someone. Tre was the one unfortuante enough to receive it. There was a very loud silence.
"Um... ...," came a voice from the kitchen, that we were in plain sight of. I quickly turned to look at a thoroughly shocked group of people assembled at the table, and found myself regretting going off right then. Mike was standing with his arms crossed, looking at me as if I had grown an extra head. Adrienne was sitting with her mouth hanging slightly open, across from who else, but Billie Joe fucking Armstrong. He had one eyebrow raised, staring at me over the top of Jake's head, who was sitting in his lap. Joey was sitting next to him, with a similar expression. I was very shocked myself that I had yelled what I had been keeping inside for so long at one of my favorite rock stars with two more rock stars sitting a few feet away. Now they all thought I was some sort of freak, and Adrienne and Billie would probably send me away, thinking it not safe to have me around their children. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get out of there. I let my bag drop out of my hand and onto the floor, and ran from the house. The tears started falling before I even made it through the front door, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. I just kept running, blinded by my tears, as far as my feet and lungs would allow. Which in my case would be pretty far, since I was used to running.
Yes, always running. Running from your problems, other peoples problems, from my father, from the memory of my mother and brother.
From myself.
I suddenly knew what was wrong. Me. I was wrong. I hated myself and always had. I ran faster. That's why my life sucked as badly as it did. Because I ruined it. If I was gone, everything would be right again. I ran past all the plastic houses, with their plastic families, living their 'happy' lives inside, daddy and the kids next to a crackling fire, while mom was in the kitchen baking cookies. I found a way out of the neighborhood and now was on a main highway. I stopped running, ignoring the stitch in my side, the heat in my lungs and the beating of my heart. I walked along the side of the road, going nowhere in particular.
'I walk a lonely road The only one that I have ever known Don't know where it goes But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams Where the city sleeps And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone... ...'
The irony of the song and my situation hit me painfully. I walked over a bridge, and leaned over the edge to stare at the train tracks below.
'I'm walking down the line, That divides me somewhere in my mind On the borderline of the edge And where I walk alone'
On the borderline of the edge, that's where I was. I stepped up onto the low cement wall that blocked me from where I walked alone and where the edge began, and ended, in silence. Tears were running down my face. I stood there for a minute and spread my arms, as if I was going to fly right into the setting sun, it's blood red light shining over me. There was a loud squealing of tires behind me, but I ignored it. I heard car doors slam, and I let one foot dangle over the edge.
"Holy fucking shit! Karla! STOP!" I heard someone's voice call. But I didn't know who's it was, even though it sounded vaguely familiar. Nothing matters now anyway. I closed my eyes. Footsteps came running toward me, and I let myself inch closer to my solution. I felt so free, so elated, that everything would be over, and I would never have to worry about anything ever again. I felt myself fall forward, just as someone grabbed me roughly around the waist and drag me back.
"No! Let me go!" I shouted and struggled to get out of the persons grasp, but his hold only tightened on my waist as he pulled me away from the edge of the bridge. Tears continued to run down my cheeks. And I realized. He wasn't only pulling me away from the bridge, but also the end of my life. It hit me hard and I collapsed in his arms, suddenly feeling numb beyond belief. He picked me up, and everything went black.
************************************* Please note I was very depressed when I wrote this. Sorry that it's so short, but I think it'll leave a strong enough effect.
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Post by suicideXmakeover on Jul 10, 2005 23:44:40 GMT -5
Wow.....write more. Please!!!
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Post by Kill on Jul 11, 2005 0:07:51 GMT -5
Wow. That's my comment. Wow.
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Post by whatsername on Jul 11, 2005 11:50:41 GMT -5
Thanks. I feel much better this morning, I was very depressed last night for no reason in particular. OMG, my fingers hurt from guitar lessons, lol. Ow ow ow...
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Post by xX*Sophie*Xx on Jul 16, 2005 4:36:36 GMT -5
I've just read the whole thing and IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD! I need to know what happens! Hurry and update!
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Post by Kill on Jul 16, 2005 16:55:02 GMT -5
I WANT TO KNOW WHO SAVED HER!!! lol
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Post by TABBY on Jul 17, 2005 11:13:05 GMT -5
lol, weird dream, I LOVED IT ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
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Post by xX*Sophie*Xx on Jul 17, 2005 11:17:37 GMT -5
I WANT TO KNOW WHO SAVED HER!!! lol ME TOOOOO!
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Post by whatsername on Jul 18, 2005 21:30:47 GMT -5
okay, okay. jeezum! i've been busy lately, as in sleeping eating, listening to music, shopping, and hanging out with friends. thanks for your messages, i'm going through shit right now, my dad hit my mom the other day and their in court now and its just fucking SHIT. 'wake me up when september ends' hits too close to home sometimes, and lately i have refrained from listening to it!
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Post by whatsername on Jul 18, 2005 22:33:07 GMT -5
Hiya, I feel like shit! Enjoy! ***************************************
Part Nine
Ow. Ugh..... My head..... Why is it so bright in here? My eyes hurt.... My stomach hurts..... My legs are sore.... What the hell happened? Where the hell am I?? I blearily open one eye and immediately close it, sunlight was shining right over my face. I slowly open my eyes to stare at a pure white ceiling and a small chandelier like lamp hanging from it. It looked oddly familiar.... ..... ......... ................ oh SHIT!! I sat straight up and immediately regretted it, my head was now pounding.
"Uuuaaurgh.....," I said, putting my head in my hands. I remembered what happened last night.
And it was not good.
I also knew where I was. I was in the guest room of Billie Joe's house. Who was it that had stopped me last night? Who was it that grabbed me just in time? Who was it that had SAVED me, for Christ's sake?! I pulled the covers off of my aching body and saw that I was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, though someone had removed my shoes. My bag was laying in a chair in the corner of the room. I grabbed it and headed into the bathroom that was attached to the bedroom.
I locked the door behind me, not really wanting anyone to walk in on me naked. After a long, hot, shower, I felt a bit more refreshed and had soothed some of my sore muscles. Wow, suicide sure takes a lot out of a person, I thought bitterly. I looked into the bathroom mirror with a towel wrapped around me. I looked okay, not as if I had nearly thrown myself off of a bridge recently. I tied my black hair into a low ponytail and put on a black pair of boys' cargo shorts (Hey! They're comfortable! And they sit nicely on the hips!) and a dark green beater.
I glanced into Jake's and Joey's bedrooms to find them empty, they had laready left for their Disney vacation. I cautiously made my way down the stairs, making sure not to make a noise since I could hear voices in the kitchen. I, again, for what seemed like the hundredth time, listened outside of the entryway to the conversation taking place inside.
"Dunno what to do... ... Do we call Social Services or something?" Mike asked. I cringed, I had had some close brushes with the Services in the past.
"No, no. We should just hang on to her and see what she feels like. Try to get her talking... ...," Billie Joe said.
"You weren't particularly eager to talk after YOUR attempt," Tre said simply. What?! Billie Joe? Attempt suicide?! Woah, Jesus, Mary mother of God!
"Yeah, well. She's only fourteen, she has to tell us something. She can't just go and live on her own like I did," Billie Joe said defensively.
"And, besides, we aren't exactly her best friends either. She won't reveal much. She doesn't trust us," Mike said.
"Well, we can make her trust us. Become better friends with her. I mean, I will be with her for a week," Billie Joe said just as the phone rang. He picked up.
"Hello?... ... ... Uh, yeah. I'll go get her, just a sec," Billie said, putting down the receiver onto the counter.
"Who is it?" Tre asked.
"Someone named Diana, guessing one of Karla's friends," Billie Joe said, and I heard his approaching foot steps. He was just about to discover me lurking outside of the kitchen. Who cares if I knew they were listening in by now? I stepped out into the entryway and nearly collided with Billie Joe. I sidestepped him and avoided everyone's eyes, though I could feel them burning into the back of my head as I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"KARLA!! What the fuck is going on?! You were supposed to call me!" Diana yelled.
"Yeah, um, sorry. I...er, was.... busy," I said lamely.
"Right. Whatever. You still need to keep in touch, no matter what rock stars you're baby sitting," Diana said mischievously. I grinned.
"Listen, you're father stopped by here again. He was yelling something about your mother and that she was here, in town, in the hospital," Diana pressed on urgently.
"The hospital? What???" I said, very confused. I hadn't seen my mother in 11 years! What the hell was she doing here now?!
"I don't know the details, but I think you should get down there," she said reasonably. I sighed.
"Okay, whatever. I'll call you soon. And call me on my cell!" I said quickly.
"Yeah, okay. Don't get yourself arrested or anything! I'll talk to you soon."
"Yeah, bye."
"Bye." And she hung up. I stood there for a few seconds, staring off into space. My mom? In town? And the hospital of all places??? I sighed and hung up the phone, and turned to face the three people whose faces were plastered all over Diana's bedroom walls.
"Um. I know we really shouldn't be asking, but... ... why did you do it?" Billie Joe asked, standing infront of the table. I didn't look away, but square in the eye.
"The question is more like why not do it," I said quietly.
"Why don't you sit down and tell us all about it?" Mike said, pulling out a chair and offering it to me. I hesitantly walked forward and sat down. I studied the grains in the wood of the table. Billie Joe sat down opposite me, and Tre on one side, Mike on the other. I took a deep breath, and I was off.
I told them everything.
From my mom running away when I was three, my brother killing himself when I was nine. How I was constantly depressed and abused by my father afterward. About finally running away to live with Diana, about my guitar, now gone. My fears of never getting anywhere in life, my dream of going to a high school dedicated to music over on the east coast that I would never be able to afford. How my mom was now back, after all these years. My fear of seeing her. Even about my rape, and thats when I broke down and the tears started flowing all over again. Mike put an arm around me, and I sobbed into his shoulder. Tre patted me awkwardly on the back. I must have cried for five minutes before my tears ran dry. I looked up past Billie Joe and at the wall behind him.
What was I doing here? And telling THESE people, THIS? Then, the phone rang again. Billie Joe stood up and talked with someone for a short while. I wasn't really listening. I was thinking about my life, it was like the life of Jesus of Suburbia.
"Tales from another broken home... ...," I whispered quietly to no one in particular.
"What?" Tre asked.
"Nothing," I said quickly. That was close. Billie Joe finished on the phone and sat down across from me, looking grave. I suddenly knew what I had to do.
"I need to go to the hospital. My mother's supposedly there," I said, determined all of a sudden.
"Okay," Billie Joe heaved a sigh, resting his broken arm on the table, "Supposedly the woman I hit is getting worse. They say she won't live." He looked so guilty, it was hard to look at.
"Shit," was all that Tre said.
"Who was she anyway?" Mike asked.
"Someone named Vivian Clore," Billie Joe said, looking depressed.
"Oh. My. Fucking. God," I said, staring disbelievingly into his face.
"What?" Mike asked.
"She's my mother," was all I said.
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Post by TABBY on Jul 19, 2005 9:44:10 GMT -5
OMG PLEASE UPDATE!!!!
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Post by suicideXmakeover on Jul 19, 2005 10:44:50 GMT -5
HOLY SHIT!!!! Excuse my language, but oh my God. Update now.
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Post by xX*Sophie*Xx on Jul 19, 2005 10:55:53 GMT -5
Bloody hell! (Scuse my french) What a surprise!
Hang on in there with the family life whatsername. There's times when we all feel like crap.
Anywho, updatesy! I need to find out what happens!
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Post by whatsername on Jul 19, 2005 11:47:22 GMT -5
thanks braces! and iwannamarrytrecool, and Mary Jane, and Insomniac, for all your support, lol. i finally know where i'm going with this. i'll update tonight, or maybe in a few minutes.... .... .....?
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